This Thanksgiving, I find myself thinking about how we can create a table (literally and figuratively) where we can have the ideas and commitments we feel strongly about, and yet stay connected to each other.  How can we set the table that holds a shared commitment to curiosity and inquiry – together — to understand how we can care deeply for each other — and also understand what it is that may be hard to understand. 

It is no wonder.  My passions have always been coherency and coordination.  I did not know those were the terms until I met Barnett Pierce in 1998, but essentially those two things are   what I yearn for. Maybe these yearnings relate to the degree of confusion and dissonance in my home growing up.  Maybe I was socialized early to confusion and lack of coherence. I grew up feeling safe in a community that had a drum beat of “never again”. Yet  we stressed embracing a less fortunate “stranger” out loud while we whispered that you can never full trust a powerful and unnamed “them” . 

Last week I was in a conversation with a client about inclusion..  When we talk about inclusion we inevitably create a sense of exclusion for some – for anyone who doesn’t include themselves in that conversation.  Sometimes, that person is someone who is not used to being labeled with a social identity– be it race, gender, no binary re race gender culture etc.   I shared a metaphor that has been my go to recently– that of a bridge. In order to build a bridge, we need strong footings. We need to be rooted in a structure from which to bridge.  Identity is that structure. And yet, identity is complex.  

As I anticipate Thanksgiving, I have much to be thankful for.  I have an amazing family My children are not just people I love dearly. They are my first choice of people I would like to spend time with; I like them; I respect them; and I learn from them continuously. I love my extended family and am enjoying the ever-expanding list of second and third  cousins that are showing up thanks to ancestry.com. And I have friends who are my chevre – a Hebrew term that cannot be translated when it comes to a package of qualities – friends, confidants, and people who show up for each other. In many ways, the foundations of my bridge are strong. 

And yet, as I anticipate Thanksgiving, I know that there are some conversations we will have quietly on the side so as not to offend.  I had an insight in the past year regarding social engagements with others who may have different political views. I have come to conclude that the very agreements and commitments I facilitate with my clients to prepare for deep and potentially challenging conversations are becoming important for our social spaces.  You know – those familiar agreements that include: 

• Listen listen listen
• Notice where you are uncomfortable – and explore that for yourself
• Be curious 
• Notice your judgements and hold them lightly as you seek to understand
• Pause and breath

I came to this conclusion after an unanticipated conversation last year brunch I co-hosted with a group of friends. Some guests took for granted homogeneity of views among those present.  When difference surfaced, the conversation took on a quality of debating who was right and who was wrong; who was being vilified and who was justified.  People were frustrated with each other.  The conversation went from debate and fact checking to superficial chatter.  After people left, there was a flurry of phone calls — mostly expressing frustration with what had transpired. Nothing felt resolved; people were more set in their own stories than ever.

Following that day, I thought long and hard about what I could have done.  Here is the very work I do with clients every day, and I failed when it came to hosting a brunch.  And then, I thought about what it is that supports creating the bridge when working with challenging conversations. In order to have the bridge, you have to have the foundation, your own grounding in your identity. But you also need something to support the bridge as it reaches out over open water, and it needs to be flexible. 

The forces of the public discourse have become such that reaching out over that empty space feels more perilous than ever. We have to intentionally remind ourselves of our values and of the conditions for creating a feeling of safety– even in an informal setting, and setting conversational norms helps us do that. At first glance that could feel like  shifting from a social space to a workshop, but in my experience it helps support the structure of the bridge even in informal conversation. And I am not the only one who recognizes this. In some families, they have made a rule that politics is not to be part of the Thanksgiving table conversation. I have been in a cab where the driver informs me that he has a “no politics” rule.  If we can say what we do not talk about, let’s begin to be more explicit about what IS important to us–respect, listening, love– and make that the highest context.  

And we do that– we do that when we welcome those we love; when we open with a prayer of gratitude– and that is what I will do when I host this week.

In my last post I shared an example of how the NOREN model was helpful to my family in changing some of our patterns around the holidays. In that example, each of us had different assumptions about what we were doing together when we gathered to cook. Each of us also had observations and reflections that could shift how we engaged. Now I want to shift the focus to another pattern. It’s that voice in many of our heads that says, “I’m not doing enough,” or “I’m not enough.”

As we start a new year, it is a great time to slow down, take a moment for reflection and look inward.  And, it is at this time that the line between healthy self-reflection and harsh self-critique can be difficult to see.

Recently, I noticed that I was asking myself some of these questions. A colleague whom I had only recently met invited me to do some work with him in an area known for heavy violence. In the moment it was easy to say no because of logistics. I would have had to rearrange other commitments and I truly felt like I did not have the capacity to make it.

Once I had moved through the episode, something drew me back to notice it again. I was surprised that he had even noticed me and my work. First I looked at my surprise. What was I assuming about him, that made me surprised to be asked?  I observed my story of him as someone who is very caught up in his own role and status and therefore would be unlikely to seek out my help. This moment of cognitive dissonance made me pause and reconsider that assumption. What evidence did I have to support my story?

I dug a bit deeper. In looking back at my decision making, it was true that I had a lot on my plate, but I realized I was also afraid. I had a lot of respect for his work in conflict zones. I had a story that his work was more impactful and had more merit and value than the work I did. I then questioned whether I was doing enough. As I looked at the pattern of my storytelling, I saw how my devaluing my work in relationship with his, in turn had me assume he did as well. When he engaged in a way that showed his value for my work, I took a moment to pause.

I realized that I could not pinpoint anything he said or did that conveyed any disregard. This noticing and reflecting helped me engage differently with him the next time. It also shined a light on my own pattern. I was lining my work up next to that of others, telling myself a story that I was not doing enough, and, therefore, was not enough. Reflecting on that story illuminated a pattern of pattern of judging or of minimizing my work when speaking to others.

I then explored this pattern for what might be a competing commitment. In other words, why was I invested in minimizing my work and impact in a way that, ironically minimized my impact?  I then gave voice to my competing commitment to modesty and humility. The concern associated with the tension between owning my work more fully and being modest and humble was my place of competing commitments.

All of these patterns tend to get accentuated for me at this time of year, when I am suddenly lining up my work up next to that of so many others, and when I am naturally a bit more reflective about what I want to be doing in the world. As I approach the new year, I do want to reflect on my work and where I am putting my energy. Rituals that mark time are designed to help us do that.

At the same time, I want to notice and reflect on the patterns in my thinking and interaction. I have noticed that telling myself an, “I am not doing enough” story or even asking myself an “am I doing enough” question shuts me down rather than motivating me to do more. It is not helpful. Telling myself a story of where I see the most impact and satisfaction in my work, on the other hand, does tend to energize me to do more, and specifically to do more of what is working. Asking myself, “where does it make sense to dedicate more energy?” “Where do my efforts pay off?” and even, “where could I challenge myself more?” are more helpful. They lead to more energizing stories and patterns.  

In this reflective time, what are the patterns of the stories you are telling yourself? Are they helpful stories that build you up, motivate you, and help you be the version of yourself you want to be? Are they patterns of guilt and comparison that knock you down? Is there some of both? Try to choose one pattern that you are ready to shift. When you notice yourself in that pattern or story, pause to see what you can shift in your narrative. We’d love to hear what changes for you!

At this time of year many people are going “home” – wherever that may be – back to their roots or simply gathering with family and friends. Whether we celebrate Christmas or not, this is a moment when many people take time off.  And the holiday season elicits all kinds of articles and blog posts, particularly over the past few years, offering advice on how to “handle” our relatives and other social encounters. Publications from The Chicago Tribune to Mic to Eater offer advice on dealing with racist relatives (usually uncles). And this year the Washington Post even asked “What’s With all the Racist Uncles?” in a post recognizing that aunts and mothers can be just as racist.

So we join the chorus of addressing the question but do so with a different twist. Our emphasis is on preparing ourselves to engage fully and to do so with an intention for what kind of relationship we create in each and every response and to offer some suggestions for how we frame comments and conversations that differ or challenge our values and sense of what is right.  

• Each of us, whether wittingly or unwittingly, enacts bias in how we engage.
• Uncles and aunts are not racists. They may say or do things that are are biased based on a story they have about perceived racial identity.
• When we take the perspective that we create patterns together that sometimes align with our values more than other times, we can pause, take a moment, and ask, what are our highest values and how can we create and enact those together.

So, this is an invitation to strengthen your agile response muscle and to look at the patterns we create in our relationships with those we care about. This is an invitation to look at how we create the stories that support the quality of relationships we aspire to, and to create new turns that shift those undesirable repetitive patterns or URPs.

This year, I am committed to show up fully and as my best self. As I reflect on my typical patterns I am particularly looking at:

• When and how do I choose a response to keep the peace, or to avoid conflict, or because I question the futility
• What is the story I am telling that supports that choice and what might be some alternatives stories?
• How might I respond more boldly in situations where I have stayed silent in the past?
• When might I take a moment – pause and listen before quickly responding with what I am so certain is true

 These questions put me in a better position to have productive conversations about setting the table, racism, and everything in between. It also makes the time spent together more enjoyable.

One of my favorite tools for noticing patterns in relationships in the workplace is also something we can draw upon with family. It’s called the NOREN model. NOREN stands for Notice, Observe, Reflect, Engage, Notice. You’ll notice there two “notices”, an “observe”, and a “reflect.” And just one “engage”. That ratio is intentional. It helps us show up to the engagement as the version of ourselves that we want to be.  That version is one that can responds and engages in a way that allows for a conversation where we
actually hear and consider each other.  And we may actually pause to note where there might be a more nuanced conversation, where our differences are more or less consequential, and where we might find our appreciation
and humor rather than respond with angry silence.

Here’s an example from my own family. I have two adult children who both enjoy and are used to cooking for large groups. My husband and I also love to cook. It could be the perfect recipe for a day and kitchen full of fun when we get together to prepare for a holiday meal. My children would fly in, and we would set aside hours to cook together, merging quality relational time with cooking – right? Almost.

A pattern emerged, as did our different styles. We often ended up with my daughter getting frustrated and growing short with us, my husband finding reasons to keep going back to the grocery store on his own, my son trying to help everyone get along, and myself acting stressed – sensing this wasn’t working as I had anticipated and trying to fix it .

Finally one year we had a conversation about all of this before the meal prep began. I was particularly grateful to my daughter for initiating.  The first “Notice” in the NOREN is about noticing the assumptions we are making. Each of us had different assumptions about what we were doing together and our roles.  My daughter assumed that we were doing a project. If she volunteered or was asked to make a certain dish, she saw that as her chunk of the project and felt micromanaged when someone came to join her. She wanted her responsibilities to be clear so that she could be clear that she was doing her part in time for dinner, and then give her attention to conversations.

I assumed cooking was a group bonding experience. My highest priority was the conversation, and I trusted in the process that we would finish the task in time. My husband assumed cooking was a task. He assumed that at the height of preparation, with so many cooks in the kitchen, he would be most helpful by going to the grocery store. When the time came to clean up at the end he saw his opportunity to help, and always sprang into action to make the countertops shine. My son was always in charge of brussels sprouts (his recipe is delicious). One year he heard me on the phone saying to my daughter in a joking tone, “and you’ll never guess what your brother is making: brussels sprouts.” He tried to hide his frustration but was clearly a little bit hurt. “I make that every year because you always ask me to,” he said, “not because it’s the only thing I can make.”

Once we Noticed these assumptions, we could Observe that we were all assuming we were being helpful. In Reflecting on our own behavior and patterns, we could each see where we were getting frustrated or upset. My daughter got frustrated when I came to work with her on a task because she interpreted it as a sign that she had messed something up. I recognized that I felt confused and out of sorts when we weren’t all just having fun together – wondering why my husband would keep wanting to go to the grocery store, or why my daughter seemed annoyed. My husband, whose preference would be to cook alone,  felt overwhelmed by all of us in the kitchen together, so would want to leave and return when it was time for clean up. And my son’s pattern was to attend to the tension he felt by trying to lighten the mood and being obliging.

Having Noticed our assumptions, Observed our behaviors, and Reflected on our responses and patterns. We were able to Engage in a different way and begin to enact new patterns. That very next cooking session was not perfect. Patterns exist because of repetition, and we only cook huge meals together a few times per year.  It will take some time for a real shift to take hold. But having identified our assumptions and observations out loud, we can continue to Notice again and again, and we do have more fun together while cooking. My daughter can gently remind me that she would rather work next to me on two separate dishes. My husband can spend some time with us in the kitchen chatting, and still leave when he reaches his chaos limit. I enjoy everyone together in the kitchen for parts of the day, and those parts are of high quality. Maybe next year my son will find our cooking peaceful enough that he will rock the boat by bringing a new recipe or by abandoning Brussels altogether.

Perhaps you too are preparing to spend time with someone you see less often. Is something making you feel apprehensive, even if you love this person? Maybe it is a political conversation with your uncle, or maybe it’s the way your aunt always comments on your weight, the way your cousin insists that your toddler give her a big kiss, or how someone else bosses everyone around.

This year, I am anticipating the political conversation we do or don’t have with close friends. I am asking myself: where will I choose to stay silent and where do I want to take a risk and speak up. If and when I do speak up, what am I hoping for?  Am I wanting to merely share a point of view? Am I wanting to influence? Convince? Regardless of what I do in the moment, I plan to talk through new possibilities with a trusted friend in advance to unpack, Notice and anticipate assumptions about I hold about the relationship or your interactions. Observe the situation– what keeps happening over and over? Reflect on what pattern might get created, and what else is possible.

So, as you take this time with co-workers, friends and family, we would love to hear how it goes for you!  What patterns do you observe, what different choices are you making, and what do you Notice as a consequence?  And then share it! This helps all of us see how we are in this together!!!  

AND Happy holidays!