In my last post I shared an example of how the NOREN model was helpful to my family in changing some of our patterns around the holidays. In that example, each of us had different assumptions about what we were doing together when we gathered to cook. Each of us also had observations and reflections that could shift how we engaged. Now I want to shift the focus to another pattern. It’s that voice in many of our heads that says, “I’m not doing enough,” or “I’m not enough.”

As we start a new year, it is a great time to slow down, take a moment for reflection and look inward.  And, it is at this time that the line between healthy self-reflection and harsh self-critique can be difficult to see.

Recently, I noticed that I was asking myself some of these questions. A colleague whom I had only recently met invited me to do some work with him in an area known for heavy violence. In the moment it was easy to say no because of logistics. I would have had to rearrange other commitments and I truly felt like I did not have the capacity to make it.

Once I had moved through the episode, something drew me back to notice it again. I was surprised that he had even noticed me and my work. First I looked at my surprise. What was I assuming about him, that made me surprised to be asked?  I observed my story of him as someone who is very caught up in his own role and status and therefore would be unlikely to seek out my help. This moment of cognitive dissonance made me pause and reconsider that assumption. What evidence did I have to support my story?

I dug a bit deeper. In looking back at my decision making, it was true that I had a lot on my plate, but I realized I was also afraid. I had a lot of respect for his work in conflict zones. I had a story that his work was more impactful and had more merit and value than the work I did. I then questioned whether I was doing enough. As I looked at the pattern of my storytelling, I saw how my devaluing my work in relationship with his, in turn had me assume he did as well. When he engaged in a way that showed his value for my work, I took a moment to pause.

I realized that I could not pinpoint anything he said or did that conveyed any disregard. This noticing and reflecting helped me engage differently with him the next time. It also shined a light on my own pattern. I was lining my work up next to that of others, telling myself a story that I was not doing enough, and, therefore, was not enough. Reflecting on that story illuminated a pattern of pattern of judging or of minimizing my work when speaking to others.

I then explored this pattern for what might be a competing commitment. In other words, why was I invested in minimizing my work and impact in a way that, ironically minimized my impact?  I then gave voice to my competing commitment to modesty and humility. The concern associated with the tension between owning my work more fully and being modest and humble was my place of competing commitments.

All of these patterns tend to get accentuated for me at this time of year, when I am suddenly lining up my work up next to that of so many others, and when I am naturally a bit more reflective about what I want to be doing in the world. As I approach the new year, I do want to reflect on my work and where I am putting my energy. Rituals that mark time are designed to help us do that.

At the same time, I want to notice and reflect on the patterns in my thinking and interaction. I have noticed that telling myself an, “I am not doing enough” story or even asking myself an “am I doing enough” question shuts me down rather than motivating me to do more. It is not helpful. Telling myself a story of where I see the most impact and satisfaction in my work, on the other hand, does tend to energize me to do more, and specifically to do more of what is working. Asking myself, “where does it make sense to dedicate more energy?” “Where do my efforts pay off?” and even, “where could I challenge myself more?” are more helpful. They lead to more energizing stories and patterns.  

In this reflective time, what are the patterns of the stories you are telling yourself? Are they helpful stories that build you up, motivate you, and help you be the version of yourself you want to be? Are they patterns of guilt and comparison that knock you down? Is there some of both? Try to choose one pattern that you are ready to shift. When you notice yourself in that pattern or story, pause to see what you can shift in your narrative. We’d love to hear what changes for you!

At this time of year many people are going “home” – wherever that may be – back to their roots or simply gathering with family and friends. Whether we celebrate Christmas or not, this is a moment when many people take time off.  And the holiday season elicits all kinds of articles and blog posts, particularly over the past few years, offering advice on how to “handle” our relatives and other social encounters. Publications from The Chicago Tribune to Mic to Eater offer advice on dealing with racist relatives (usually uncles). And this year the Washington Post even asked “What’s With all the Racist Uncles?” in a post recognizing that aunts and mothers can be just as racist.

So we join the chorus of addressing the question but do so with a different twist. Our emphasis is on preparing ourselves to engage fully and to do so with an intention for what kind of relationship we create in each and every response and to offer some suggestions for how we frame comments and conversations that differ or challenge our values and sense of what is right.  

• Each of us, whether wittingly or unwittingly, enacts bias in how we engage.
• Uncles and aunts are not racists. They may say or do things that are are biased based on a story they have about perceived racial identity.
• When we take the perspective that we create patterns together that sometimes align with our values more than other times, we can pause, take a moment, and ask, what are our highest values and how can we create and enact those together.

So, this is an invitation to strengthen your agile response muscle and to look at the patterns we create in our relationships with those we care about. This is an invitation to look at how we create the stories that support the quality of relationships we aspire to, and to create new turns that shift those undesirable repetitive patterns or URPs.

This year, I am committed to show up fully and as my best self. As I reflect on my typical patterns I am particularly looking at:

• When and how do I choose a response to keep the peace, or to avoid conflict, or because I question the futility
• What is the story I am telling that supports that choice and what might be some alternatives stories?
• How might I respond more boldly in situations where I have stayed silent in the past?
• When might I take a moment – pause and listen before quickly responding with what I am so certain is true

 These questions put me in a better position to have productive conversations about setting the table, racism, and everything in between. It also makes the time spent together more enjoyable.

One of my favorite tools for noticing patterns in relationships in the workplace is also something we can draw upon with family. It’s called the NOREN model. NOREN stands for Notice, Observe, Reflect, Engage, Notice. You’ll notice there two “notices”, an “observe”, and a “reflect.” And just one “engage”. That ratio is intentional. It helps us show up to the engagement as the version of ourselves that we want to be.  That version is one that can responds and engages in a way that allows for a conversation where we
actually hear and consider each other.  And we may actually pause to note where there might be a more nuanced conversation, where our differences are more or less consequential, and where we might find our appreciation
and humor rather than respond with angry silence.

Here’s an example from my own family. I have two adult children who both enjoy and are used to cooking for large groups. My husband and I also love to cook. It could be the perfect recipe for a day and kitchen full of fun when we get together to prepare for a holiday meal. My children would fly in, and we would set aside hours to cook together, merging quality relational time with cooking – right? Almost.

A pattern emerged, as did our different styles. We often ended up with my daughter getting frustrated and growing short with us, my husband finding reasons to keep going back to the grocery store on his own, my son trying to help everyone get along, and myself acting stressed – sensing this wasn’t working as I had anticipated and trying to fix it .

Finally one year we had a conversation about all of this before the meal prep began. I was particularly grateful to my daughter for initiating.  The first “Notice” in the NOREN is about noticing the assumptions we are making. Each of us had different assumptions about what we were doing together and our roles.  My daughter assumed that we were doing a project. If she volunteered or was asked to make a certain dish, she saw that as her chunk of the project and felt micromanaged when someone came to join her. She wanted her responsibilities to be clear so that she could be clear that she was doing her part in time for dinner, and then give her attention to conversations.

I assumed cooking was a group bonding experience. My highest priority was the conversation, and I trusted in the process that we would finish the task in time. My husband assumed cooking was a task. He assumed that at the height of preparation, with so many cooks in the kitchen, he would be most helpful by going to the grocery store. When the time came to clean up at the end he saw his opportunity to help, and always sprang into action to make the countertops shine. My son was always in charge of brussels sprouts (his recipe is delicious). One year he heard me on the phone saying to my daughter in a joking tone, “and you’ll never guess what your brother is making: brussels sprouts.” He tried to hide his frustration but was clearly a little bit hurt. “I make that every year because you always ask me to,” he said, “not because it’s the only thing I can make.”

Once we Noticed these assumptions, we could Observe that we were all assuming we were being helpful. In Reflecting on our own behavior and patterns, we could each see where we were getting frustrated or upset. My daughter got frustrated when I came to work with her on a task because she interpreted it as a sign that she had messed something up. I recognized that I felt confused and out of sorts when we weren’t all just having fun together – wondering why my husband would keep wanting to go to the grocery store, or why my daughter seemed annoyed. My husband, whose preference would be to cook alone,  felt overwhelmed by all of us in the kitchen together, so would want to leave and return when it was time for clean up. And my son’s pattern was to attend to the tension he felt by trying to lighten the mood and being obliging.

Having Noticed our assumptions, Observed our behaviors, and Reflected on our responses and patterns. We were able to Engage in a different way and begin to enact new patterns. That very next cooking session was not perfect. Patterns exist because of repetition, and we only cook huge meals together a few times per year.  It will take some time for a real shift to take hold. But having identified our assumptions and observations out loud, we can continue to Notice again and again, and we do have more fun together while cooking. My daughter can gently remind me that she would rather work next to me on two separate dishes. My husband can spend some time with us in the kitchen chatting, and still leave when he reaches his chaos limit. I enjoy everyone together in the kitchen for parts of the day, and those parts are of high quality. Maybe next year my son will find our cooking peaceful enough that he will rock the boat by bringing a new recipe or by abandoning Brussels altogether.

Perhaps you too are preparing to spend time with someone you see less often. Is something making you feel apprehensive, even if you love this person? Maybe it is a political conversation with your uncle, or maybe it’s the way your aunt always comments on your weight, the way your cousin insists that your toddler give her a big kiss, or how someone else bosses everyone around.

This year, I am anticipating the political conversation we do or don’t have with close friends. I am asking myself: where will I choose to stay silent and where do I want to take a risk and speak up. If and when I do speak up, what am I hoping for?  Am I wanting to merely share a point of view? Am I wanting to influence? Convince? Regardless of what I do in the moment, I plan to talk through new possibilities with a trusted friend in advance to unpack, Notice and anticipate assumptions about I hold about the relationship or your interactions. Observe the situation– what keeps happening over and over? Reflect on what pattern might get created, and what else is possible.

So, as you take this time with co-workers, friends and family, we would love to hear how it goes for you!  What patterns do you observe, what different choices are you making, and what do you Notice as a consequence?  And then share it! This helps all of us see how we are in this together!!!  

AND Happy holidays!

Ilene Wasserman

The most recent Starbucks incident has received a lot of attention. Many of the questions I am hearing are: Who is to blame?  Who should do what to remedy the situation? Is the training Starbucks is investing in on implicit bias the solution? Is the apology from the police commissioner enough?

And then… next week or even tomorrow there will be another story about another audacious episode that takes our attention and off we go. Only in this case the interruption takes our attention away from people whose lives have come into the limelight, illuminating what is, for some, an aspect of their daily experience.

Donte Robinson and Rashon Nelson are two business men who are also dark skinned.  They entered a Starbucks to meet someone for a business meeting.  One asked to use the restroom and was told that the restrooms were for paying customers.  He returned to his table and was approached by the manager who asked whether they wanted to order drinks. They declined.  According to 911 records, the police were called approximately 2 minutes after the two men entered the store. According to Mr. Robinson, they were then put in double lock handcuffs, were not read their rights, and were not told why they were being arrested. Mr. Nelson said, he wondered if he would make it home alive. “Anytime I’m encountered by cops, I can honestly say it’s a thought that runs through my mind.  You never know what’s going on.”

In every moment, we make sense of what is happening by telling ourselves a story.  The stories we tell ourselves are influenced by the experiences we have had and not had; what we hear and don’t hear; and the forces of the stories that are being told around us, be they from people we know, the communities we live in or the media we attend to. And we do so – in a matter of minutes.

The recent incidence at Starbucks is ripe for opportunities to learn together – as long as we take the time to have the conversations and learn:

To NOTICE the assumptions we are making

To step back and OBSERVE the situation

To REFLECT and deepen our understanding, and,

To ENGAGE and learn

To NOTICE again with a new perspective,

In our recent book, Communicating Possibilities: A Brief Introduction to the Coordinated Management of Meaning, we use the acronym NOREN (Notice, Observe, Reflect, Engage, Notice) as a guide to take complex moments that we might encounter daily, and engage with them as learning opportunities.

One of the models guides us in asking ourselves about the nature of the stories we are telling.  What are the untold stories?  The unheard stories?  The untellable stories? The stories we don’t take the time to explore, so that we can challenge our split-second responses — and consider before reacting?  What are the assumptions we all made each step of the way – with each unfolding news reporting and commentary?  What are the forces in our culture and our society that are operating here?

I have been privy to stories from parents who fear for their brown and black children – who teach them from a young age that they are vulnerable to a seemingly random moment when an encounter might be misinterpreted and go poorly.  What have been private conversations among family members have become every day news.  What has been the experience of some has become news to all.

Starbucks will be closing its stores on May 29^th for implicit bias training.  I have been asked by clients, colleagues and students and others what I think about this response.  My response is this is a start but by no means enough.

Just imagine what would be possible if we were to make more time with each other.